One of the key things that rings in my mind during my busy schedule is to always know your limits. Budget my time wisely, while listening to my intuitions and how I'm doing inside and out. This holds true when it comes to getting further answers on Colin's medical concerns. Within the past 2 years, since initially receiving answers on many unexplained medical concerns, answers kept pouring in the more appointments were scheduled. Many didn't want to hear about it, while others asked about it. Not everyone has what it takes to handle all that Colin has to live with on a daily basis. It was merely a fine line, for me to juggle, between understanding who was a genuine support system, and those who didn't want anything to do with any of it but rather be destructive. Ultimately, to come to some major decision points in my life as well as my boys.
Most already know, but since the wheels have already been spinning technically, it seems like the right time to open up about what really is going on as of late. First, college has been my main focus to get at least my 2 year degree under my belt [finally, returned back to complete my degree after around 4 years off!]. My last quarter was 4 classes of 16 credits which just came in at a successful 3.63 GPA of 3 A's and 1 B with my classes. During this time, I've backed off of any of Colin's appointments except his Psychologist appointments to help manage his mild Aspergers [possible CDD, still unanswered..] as it just became to much for me to juggle it all. My mind has been entirely over loaded with college work to even hold any more additional medical terminology for a few months. However, this has been a relief for me as I've been the only one taking on all of these appointments, independent medical research, answers, extra reading, networking with others who share each unique medical condition, etc.. It has been a much needed break to focus on my future, give Colin and I a break from all these poking & prodding, and allow myself to breath from tons of unhealthy prolonged stress. After all, the kids need a balanced mama but I also need myself to be better balanced as well moving forwards with my new life, which means to take steps back at times..and never feeling guilty or regretting these important steps back to independently breath.
Lastly, but not first and foremost, during this time Divorce papers have been filed. It has been stressful at times managing separation of items, mutually agreeing on paperwork [which went pretty simple, for the most part], quarrels at times, figuring out parenting plans that work out for our jumbled college schedules or even long term parenting plans once college isn't happening any more, but also me processing [last year] all that went wrong to help the cycle not repeat in future relationships moving forwards..forgiving the unforgettable that was done in the relationship..constantly working on establishing healthy peaceful boundaries for the sake of the kids [they don't need to go through that, but also deserve to know why]..managing the kids behaviors at time as they process through it..all while trying to manage all the daily routines of life.
The truth really is, that we've been separated for a long time [mostly 2 years, but within the past year], with a divorce filing mostly was just technicalities and legalities of it all. Things haven't been right for a while, but also adding Colin's medical concerns really allowed me to see the true colors [or for me take off the rose colored glasses] before things progressed years further. Respectfully, I won't go into detail against Mikes character, or mishaps, out of respect. Most who are close to me already know the truth, and those who are curious can feel free to ask me personally as I'm at a point in my life where I've moved forwards with out any more feelings of hardship of a divorce. Bottom line, there are just some things that aren't acceptable to do within a marriage, and I hope some day that I never run into the heart ache from it again [twice now]. I absolutely loath divorce as an option, but am also thankful for the option in cases like this when staying does more harm than good. As Joss Stone song comes to mind that I'm bruised not broken, and I believe on moving upwards not backwards. They say opposites attract, while that might be the case for some, personally..I don't believe this is the case for me in finding some one long term.
Word of advice for those couples who have special needs kids:
Both halves should support each other through all the hard times, research together, listen to each other, share in the little things, share in the grief of it all, appreciate each other even during the bad times, pick the other half up when they're down, but mostly..get to know the hell out of those medical concerns from both parties..don't run from it or have your other half do it all. Have the courage to face it..together, because that's just the reality of it all. Face that elephant in the room as it's not going away. It can or likely will only get bigger the more you ignore it. That elephant will divide you quickly if you let it, or bring you closer together if you work on it. The grass isn't greener on the other side, you just let the elephant eat it up!
Moving forwards, I'm very peacefully happy to be on my own again. I've done this before and will do it again even with 4 boys to raise. During this time has also shown me a deeper appreciation for all that my own parents have done for me growing up. They've gone through so much but still are together over 40 years later. Sure life isn't perfect, but it is what you make of it. When times have been getting hard, they've been there to listen to me with an empathic listening ear, love, and understanding which has meant the world to me. Last time as a single parent we had our quarrels, but now we've come to a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other. My siblings, and other family members [and friends!!!!], have also been such an amazing support asking, offering suggestions or medical information, and even just offering words of support. It just took a while to weed out the bad seeds and understand what I really need in my life to progress upwards. Being the youngest of 6 kids, I'm extremely thankful to have such a large family at a time like this. Cambryn is back, and better than ever. I'm at a better place now, and so very thankful for all the supportive people in my life. With all that has gone on within the past few years, thank you from the bottom of my heart, to all who have taken the time out of their busy schedules to reach out!
